What is Consent?

Let’s rewind. Growing up, most of us learned how to do our laundry, crack exams, and maybe even parallel park, but nobody taught us how to ask if someone actually wants to be touched, or how to say “not now” without feeling guilty.

So we filled the void with Bollywood montages, rom-com clichés, and hearsay, which led to misunderstandings, awkwardness, and sometimes worse. Here’s the truth: consent isn’t a hassle; rather, it’s the foundation for an intimate, honest, and safe connection.

What Is Consent, Really?

Consent is a mutual, ongoing agreement between people about what they’re comfortable doing together.

It is:

• Clear: You know what’s happening, who’s in, and what’s off-limits.
• Voluntary: No guilt trips, silence, or emotional pressure.
• Informed: No surprises—know what’s on the table.
• Enthusiastic: A “meh” is a “no.”
• Ongoing: You can say yes, stop, shift, or restart anytime.

If you’re wondering, “Okay, but what does real consent look like?”

✅ Their eyes light up like they just got accepted to Hogwarts. 
✅ There’s warmth in their smile, maybe even laughter.
✅ You hear enthusiastic yeses, clearer than any plot twist in a K-drama, and way more satisfying.
✅ Their hands move with intention, not assumption. 
🚫 But when it's shrugs, silence, or “meh” energy? That’s your cue to pause. If it feels unsure, it is unsure.

FRIES: The No-Brainer Consent Checklist

FRIES is a popular and easy-to-remember acronym that explains the key elements of real, ethical consent in sex and relationships. It was popularised by Planned Parenthood and widely used in sex education and therapy contexts.

• F – Freely Given: Consent must be given without pressure, manipulation, fear, or coercion.
• R – Reversible: You can change your mind at any time, even if you already said yes.
• I – Informed: No blind spots. Everyone involved must know exactly what they’re consenting to.
• E – Enthusiastic: Consent should come with actual excitement, not a shrug or “I guess.”
• S – Specific: Saying yes to one thing (like kissing) doesn’t mean saying yes to everything else.

Why We Were Taught Wrong: A Psych + Stats Deep Dive

Most of us grew up with mixed messages around intimacy from TV drama fantasies to awkward family silences. The result? Equating persistence with romance and silence with consent.

1. Taboo = Silence = Confusion

Globally, fewer than 1 in 3 kids receive meaningful sex education . In India, over 70% of youth report little to no sexuality education . That leaves us clueless about consent as much as we are about contraception.

2. Cultural Narratives Rewire Our Beliefs

Men learn to lead, women learn to yield, and underperformance is never part of the dialogue. Sadly, over 45% of Indian girls are married before 24  (pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov), and many marry without understanding their rights. That early conditioning shapes consent, or erases it.

3. Media Reinforces Myths

Repeating the same plot twist where “no” becomes “yes” with persistence, and viewers feel it’s okay. Neuroscience shows repetition shapes behaviours  (en.wikipedia.org+15ijscia.com+15media.churchillfellowship.org+15). 

4. Real-Life Data = Alarming 

• 28.8% of Indian women report facing physical or sexual partner violence in their lifetime. That’s nearly 1 in 3 women, often silently enduring behind closed doors. (Source: NFHS-5, 2019–21)
• 1 in 5 men in India also report being on the receiving end of emotional or physical abuse by their female partners, but very few talk about it, thanks to years of patriarchal conditioning. (Source: Indian Journal of Psychiatry, 2020)
• A 2022 survey by Love Matters India found that only 39% of young adults knew that consent could be withdrawn at any time, even in marriage. Translation: More than half the population thinks a wedding band equals blanket permission. It doesn’t.
• Marital rape is still not criminalized under Indian law (Section 375 IPC). That’s right, you can’t legally say "no" to your husband in many Indian courts. Consent isn’t even part of the conversation.

Consent in Long-Term Relationships: Still Necessary

Just because you’ve been together 5 years, you think you can skip the consent convo? Desire isn’t an “always-on” faucet, so:

🔁 Flirt again.
🙋🏽 Ask again.
🙅🏽 Respect “no” without the sulks.
🧠 Stay curious; your partner evolves, and so do their boundaries.

Even in love, permission isn’t permanent.

Culturally Shaped Myths That Need to Go (Like, Yesterday)

These desi-isms didn’t age well. Let’s retire them:

1. “Real men don’t ask.”

   Real men do ask.
   Because they know real intimacy takes empathy, not ego.
    

2. “Good girls don’t say no to their husbands.”

   A “good” girl does not submit. She knows her worth and says “no” without apology.
   Marriage isn’t a consent waiver.

    

3. “If they didn’t resist, they were okay with it.”

   Nope.
   People freeze in discomfort. If you’re guessing? Stop. Ask. Respect the answer.

TL;DR – Consent, In Plain Speak (No Filter Edition)

✅ Ask before touching 
✅ Check in during 
✅ Accept “no” with grace 
✅ Celebrate the hell out of a “yes” 

Further Reading

• Come As You Are – Emily Nagoski
  Why it’s a must-read: Think of it as the user's manual for your brain + genitals. You’ll finally understand why libido is more than just about desire; it’s about context, stress, and your internal brake/accelerator system.
• The Ethical Slut – Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy
  Ideal even for monogamous folks to learn how to communicate, negotiate, and love with honesty.
• The Wheel of Consent – Betty Martin
  Learn the difference between doing something for someone and letting someone do something for you!